Tuesday, October 26, 2010

time of our lives

I love thinking back to high school, not that I would ever want to go through any of that crap EVER again, but I can look back with a certain fondness for my innocence, although at the time I was pretty sure I knew everything, even if I hadn't experienced much.  I really started thinking about my friends who were gay and out in high school, they wore their sexuality like it was a feather boa and I admired that quality in them, most of them were boys. I didn't have any close gay girl friends, I think because many of them hadn't come out yet or I just didn't know. There were a few who I knew were gay and I remember a certain toughness about them (the girls I mean) a defiant air, Lisa Miller, she was like cool hand Luke or something, never saying too much, but a sure stride, and a sideways smile. I admired her, because she just seemed sure of everything, even if she wasn't. Another girl, who I thought was gay/ bisexual was Jackie Davie? I used to stare at her in science, her eyes were like liquid gold, and her teeth were toothpaste commercial quality.  These girls seemed so sure of where they were in that time of their lives, but you never know if you don't know someone personally. I watched a video of city councilman Joel Burns (posted by Lisa Miller) and it really touched me and got me thinking about growing up and coming into your sexuality. I was and am a ministers daughter, my parents preached damnation for just about everything, at first I was scared of everything, then I just dove in and said fuck the world, that was how I made it through those angst ridden years, with only other silly girls like me to turn too, god knows I couldn't tell my parents anything.  "Mom I'm thinking about having sex, how should I go about it?" I wish they had been the type of parents to at lest offer some other advice than, save yourself for marriage!!!!   Which is what brings me to this, what type of parent will I choose to become for my children, I haven't reached those years with my children that become so incredibly important to a young person, I'm hoping my mind will not snap into protective mode and I am blinded by my own experiences, I hope that I will be a beacon for my three boys, that they will open up and lean on me if need be. When Joel burns talked about these young.... 12, 13  and 14 year old boys committing suicide, my heart just broke over and over. The world can be a pretty shitty place when what surrounds you everyday of the week is the same four walls of the classroom, and the same shitty small minded people. I hope to teach my children acceptance, but not only acceptance... but also to stand up to the type of person who wants to hurt others, with words or violence.  No matter who they choose to love.

Photos by Joe Szabo

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

dear departed friend

Dear friend of my youth, many a day goes by when I miss our jokes and laughter. I think the memories are quite fresh in my mind when I look for them. The years have passed so slowly and so very quickly, how many cities I have rested in, how many fast friends have come and gone in my forty years .... some faces are freshly alive, some barely memorable, but all have shaped me somehow into the person I am today, much more real than I was before, less of a watcher and now a willing participant.

The girl I once was, who could only dream of true love while everything else in life took a backseat, how many times we talked of this, more than with any girlfriend I had, how very different I am than her.  Now that love of many kinds have been given to me, I am so full in that area, so complete, that my mind is free to look towards other things, things that are gone forever, friendships that will never recover.
Sometimes a friend will change before your eyes and you feel the connection being broken, sometimes they drift away and the loss is not felt, so it is easy to move on, other times there is pain involved, a hurt, one is more committed to the other.  I myself am guilty of lazy friendship, but not so poor as to inflict hurt.
There is no getting back what was, I am too changed, not to hard to forgive, but different, too uncomfortable to resume what was. I have children that I am trying to shape in this world, teaching them the value of a person is a top priority, empathy, compassion..... even as my compassion has dwindled.