Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Stumbled upon

My eyes do not look out of my soul
And they cannot see into yours

I can feel my own heartbeat without trying
To hear yours I have to touch you
My hand, my ear, my cheek

I remember the way your chest sunk into my skin
The weight of it, the smell of you

I don't remember when I wrote this. I never recorded the date, just love it still.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

The horizon

Columbia Crest 'Amitage' 2008, really quite tasty, with all the lovely flavors I enjoy in a wine, a little bite, layered flavors of spice, plums...a hint of vanilla, a tiny chocolate finish... perfect for tonight.

This week, Monday actually.. I may have some beginnings of a kitchen! Moving into a home that's lacking this very important element with three kids has been a bit challenging, washing things in the bathroom sink is just, well you know...but I am making do..and holding it together by searching for all the fun things we are going to need, tile, paints, flooring, a new couch. I like tying it all together. Our new little cape cod, an inspired purchase after a visit to the cape.

My youngest son started Kindergarten this year, he is loving it after some first day jitters...or I should say crazy nervousness for a five year old. I have to remember that their world is still so small and this was a very big moment for him.  What this means for me is a big change, the first time in over ten years that my days of the week will be child free, of course right now, I still have no free time with getting the house unpacked, but soon...I hope to be photographing everything in sight and make many trips to the city for inspiration!! Fingers crossed for wearied travelers soon to return home and empty hearts to be full once again!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Fizzle & Sizzle

Hi, Sorry to leave that last post for soooo long, but.. my son spilled water on my regular computer keyboard and now one key types two to three letters at a time and the space bar doesn't work! It's summer and I'm flying solo with the boys quite often, between swim team, the pool and soccer I don't have much time to sit and write, but I do have plenty of time to think!  I'm just going to clear out the cobwebs a bit and try to start posting on a weekly basis. Happy Summer! More to come! Playing with photo booth photos! Always have time for photography!!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Not just a memory

Over the last five years we have lived in four different states and seven different homes (moving twice to the same state). I was thinking of all the interesting and wonderful people I've been lucky enough to spend some time with and get to know if even for a short time. There have also been a few mishaps and strange occurrences. We lived very briefly in Tulsa Oklahoma, for many reasons I won't go into, it made sense for us as a family to spend some time there. We bought a home in a pretty neighborhood with great schools. After a month I noticed that there was often a news van parked down the street. I thought the van was driven by someone who lived in the neighborhood, but soon realized that a person was always sitting in the front seat. We moved in to our home at the beginning of October and on Halloween night we were invited by some neighbors to go trick-or-treating. The kids were having a blast, and as we went through the neighborhood, I started walking up to the house down the street near where the van was parked. My neighbor grabbed my arm and said "I don't think you should take the children there." I asked why and she said I don't think now is the best time to tell you this...she leaned in and whispered, "That's the home of the girl whose baby was eaten by her dog." I could not believe what I heard and I think my face must have reflected it, she pulled me on. "I will tell you about it later." I was holding my own baby and my two older sons were running ahead. I had a sick feeling in my stomach. After we came home for the night, I sat down in front of the computer and googled the exact words my neighbor said... then read about an awful tragedy that should never have happened to anyone. A young unwed mother, I think she was sixteen, had fallen asleep in her room, the grandmother was asleep in another room..and the two month old baby was left in a bouncer in the kitchen, a puppy they had neglected feeding, so awful.. ate the baby. When they woke it was already too late. After I read about what happened, I also learned that the girl was awaiting a verdict on either neglect or manslaughter, thus the news truck waiting all the time. I mean it's such a horror story, one for the mother, who may have been just a tired, new mother who hadn't slept much, or maybe she was on drugs (the newspapers reported this) and for the family and friends of this girl.  In the end, she was still a mother who lost a child, and she was being shunned by everyone in the neighborhood. The house looked vacant, the shutters closed, one hanging off the window..in need of repair, the grass always high, no one coming or going. Just such a sad sad place. Sometimes driving by her house I felt like stopping and asking if she needed anyone to talk with, I never did. Instead I just said a prayer for her some nights as I held my little ones close.

Thursday, May 3, 2012


I came across a clipping in an old journal of mine, this poetry, between the pages of a few of my own poems...which compare in no way to this beautiful piece....


Is there no way I might
Open my heart with a knife
I could slip you in
And close the cut again

Till the end of time
Til the resurrection
You'd be inside
No heart but mine

In the webbing of my heart
You'd live my lifetime
In the tomb's twilight
You'd die when I did

Ibn Hazm (Cordova, 994-1063)

Hazm was a poet (to say the least) in 11th century Medieval Spain. I love this...so simple... straightforward.... so beautiful.

These paintings below are by Egon Schiele...a favorite of mine, I just love his style... and can picture the subjects in these photos feeling just what the poem says.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

just an excerpt

The new school was different...no teen cowboys in Ropers wandering the halls, no dip stains on the carpets. She felt like she could bloom here, open up without being noticed. Her shyness slipped away, she went to parties and made friends with the "cool kids", a senior named Christina taught her how to smoke cigarettes while telling her what kind of blow jobs college guys liked. Christina went to her high school, but lived out of the district, she went to her house in Houston. The house was huge, the grounds perfectly manicured, six bedrooms at least, it looked like a house right from the pages of Home and Garden. Her mother's marble floored bathroom had bottles of expensive perfumes; Joy, Giorgio Beverly Hills, Chanel No. 5 .. along with pearls and jeweled rings laying on the vanity. She said her mother used to be a model back in the day. In the huge photo hanging on the bedroom wall, her mom looked like a tattered Marilyn Monroe copycat. Coming from upstairs and into the kitchen she bumped into a thickly built girl, with bulging eyes and buckteeth, her hair shot out from her head like she'd been electrocuted....She let out a scream. Christina grabbed her by the hand and said "Don't worry, that's just my retarded sister." She then pulled her out the back door and into her private apartment in the backyard. Yes, this was a new world for sure.

No matter how many parties she attended, with kids freaking out on bad acid, throwing up into empty pools, trading cocaine for a joint or some poppers, she still felt shock at the ease with which it all took place. These kids went home to their parents, ate dinner, did their homework... then on weekends they got blasted out of their minds, lips cracking from too much cocaine, eyes black from snorting ecstasy that was made in in a lab at an older siblings college. How was it that it was so easy to skirt the law at this age, how were drugs so easily obtained? She had driven up to an apartment complex with a couple friends, a guy comes out, just nods his head and you say what you need, next thing... she's hanging out in the bayou, under the bridge, smoking a joint that only cost five dollars.

Frederik Heyman's photography images below....

Thursday, April 19, 2012


I have many things that are going through my head at the moment, but they are just not ready to come out. So... here is a lighter subject for me.....Why are these skinny rockers so hot & sexy?? Besides the fact that their voices are great and they seem like bad boys, honestly I can't understand why. My first example is probably the most popular. Mick Jagger...need i say more? Check out this sexy bad boy.

Mick J. Skinny, Sexy
Ah and David Bowie, remained king of all skinnies
 throughout his awesome career, 
named my second son after him, love always, RIP DAVID BOWIE

OK, another of my all time favorites.. Billy Idol, loved him in concert,
front row, he managed to make me and my sister blush.... 
and I must admit I yelled out that he was a GOD!
 ha ha, young and easily impressed

I have to mention Nick Cave, who has morphed into a not so hot skinny,
but his voice just does it for me...

One more skinny singer, I don't find him sexy, but I must admit
 just his contortions alone make my curiosity get the better of me.....
Go Iggy Pop!!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Daddy's Girl

 Next week I will be flying to Houston to visit with my family. My father is experiencing what the doctor says is the beginnings of heart failure... I really feel crazy about this, he could actually improve if he chose to take the medications that the doctors have prescribed. I think he is just tired, the Parkinson's medication makes him sleep and without it he has trouble walking. It's kind of dammed if you do... dammed if you don't kind of thing. I've been lying awake at night thinking about my dad AND my mom for that matter. Remembering how when I was little I hung on my dad's every word. I adored him, loved when he would kiss my cheek and his stubble would scratch my face. When he would pack to leave for work in another town, I would always run for my small suitcase in hopes of going with him. I have a harder time remembering my mother when I was little, she was always with a baby, always mad at the older boys and probably cleaning or doing laundry when she wasn't. I only began to see my mother as a real person once I moved away. I still don't know why, maybe because I could step out of the family situation and had a clearer picture of their lives. When living at home, I was always seeking solace. Our House was a hard place to find it, with all my brothers, my sister, family everywhere... activity and noise all the time. Once I moved out, it was impossible for me to sleep unless I had the television going or music playing, silence was such a new experience for me. When I would go home, which wasn't very often, I would sit and talk to my mom.... she also had a slight change and began to open up to me, we both found some honest ground with each other. I think she realized I was gone and we needed some kind of different connection. I learned about my mother's life and the thing's she went through. A strange switch took place inside me. I felt anger towards my father, for not giving her a better life, my mom seemed happy, but I was not satisfied for her and I blamed my father. I still feel that if a man loves a woman he should do everything to make her life better, make her happy, put her first. I must have felt it was one sided. Growing up I watched her rub his back every night, make his breakfast, lunch and dinner... she did everything for him. I wanted better for her, at the same time it was the first mile of distance I begin to take away from my dad. It's hard to tear down walls once they are in place. I love him and I am so super sad that it my be that he is tired of this life. What can you tell someone who feels that way, is it selfish that you want him to be here, whether his life is enjoyable or not? Be here so you can call and say hello every once in a while? I'm going because I don't want the next time I see my dad to be at his funeral, but I am also hoping that he improves and has a super long life.
Me at 6 months with my dad
Me at 15 with my dad

Saturday, February 4, 2012

I love Ralph Fiennes, but that's another story..

Here I am again, taking about books. I've been reading The Constant Gardener, written by John le Carre. My new reading spot is in the bath, where I may drop a book at some point, but seems to be quiet enough for me to focus and is relaxing as well.  I'll begin with saying that I loved the movie, so well acted by Ralph Fiennes (he is handsome, sexy, a bit restrained and an awesome actor) he played the role perfectly, just the right amount of sorrow and purpose through confusion and loss. Cast perfectly. In reading the book, I am finding that I love the story so much more, as parts of books are always lost in movies, thoughts that don't translate or paragraphs too emotional to catch. I love the LOVE story that unfolds (spoiler ahead) after her death, as he realizes how and why he loved this woman, beyond her beauty, her enthusiasm, her causes.. and how he begins to discover her loyalty towards him, her devotion to the things she believes in. SO beautiful and so heartbreaking. Truly a well written story. I think this novel could have only come out of age and experience. Although it was based on a true story, the love story within is an all time favorite of mine. I think I will have to add John le Carre to my list of authors I love, plus he has four sons, and I like that as well!

Friday, January 20, 2012

aging gracefully

 I was checking out photos of actors for lighting examples and I started comparing pictures of when they were young to see how they have aged. I think aging gracefully is the best way to go, however...moisturizer is a necessity I'd say. These images speak volumes and some actors are MUCH more talented, not comparing them in that way.
Rutger Hauer

Clint Eastwood

Katharine Hepburn

Audrey Hepburn

Suzanne Summers

Barbara Hershey

Monday, January 16, 2012

Pinning on Pinterest

I've been ignoring my blog just a bit. I've been spending some of my free time on Pinterest http://pinterest.com/tavneal/ and trying to work some on other writing projects. I like Pinterest, although a friend of mine was given a warning about content for posting a very artistic photo of a nude. I have seen some pretty racy photos on the site. Who is big brother, or I guess you can actually report a pin if it offends you. My guess is someone saw this photo and it offended them in some way or another. Below I am posting the photo that was removed and some others that I guess are perfectly OK for Pinerest. Sensors are a funny bunch. Also, I have nothing against these photos, they are all very lovely. Just confused about how these people think.
Photo that was removed from Pinterest
All of these are perfectly acceptable for Pinterest