Saturday, March 17, 2012

Daddy's Girl

 Next week I will be flying to Houston to visit with my family. My father is experiencing what the doctor says is the beginnings of heart failure... I really feel crazy about this, he could actually improve if he chose to take the medications that the doctors have prescribed. I think he is just tired, the Parkinson's medication makes him sleep and without it he has trouble walking. It's kind of dammed if you do... dammed if you don't kind of thing. I've been lying awake at night thinking about my dad AND my mom for that matter. Remembering how when I was little I hung on my dad's every word. I adored him, loved when he would kiss my cheek and his stubble would scratch my face. When he would pack to leave for work in another town, I would always run for my small suitcase in hopes of going with him. I have a harder time remembering my mother when I was little, she was always with a baby, always mad at the older boys and probably cleaning or doing laundry when she wasn't. I only began to see my mother as a real person once I moved away. I still don't know why, maybe because I could step out of the family situation and had a clearer picture of their lives. When living at home, I was always seeking solace. Our House was a hard place to find it, with all my brothers, my sister, family everywhere... activity and noise all the time. Once I moved out, it was impossible for me to sleep unless I had the television going or music playing, silence was such a new experience for me. When I would go home, which wasn't very often, I would sit and talk to my mom.... she also had a slight change and began to open up to me, we both found some honest ground with each other. I think she realized I was gone and we needed some kind of different connection. I learned about my mother's life and the thing's she went through. A strange switch took place inside me. I felt anger towards my father, for not giving her a better life, my mom seemed happy, but I was not satisfied for her and I blamed my father. I still feel that if a man loves a woman he should do everything to make her life better, make her happy, put her first. I must have felt it was one sided. Growing up I watched her rub his back every night, make his breakfast, lunch and dinner... she did everything for him. I wanted better for her, at the same time it was the first mile of distance I begin to take away from my dad. It's hard to tear down walls once they are in place. I love him and I am so super sad that it my be that he is tired of this life. What can you tell someone who feels that way, is it selfish that you want him to be here, whether his life is enjoyable or not? Be here so you can call and say hello every once in a while? I'm going because I don't want the next time I see my dad to be at his funeral, but I am also hoping that he improves and has a super long life.
Me at 6 months with my dad
Me at 15 with my dad